dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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