I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
