Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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