Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
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I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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