Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
