she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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