you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
