i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
