Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
