Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
