i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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