This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
he quoted the bible to break up with me
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
