I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
