Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
