our cab driver is having phone sex.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
