Don't make out with my wife yet
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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