you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
oh god the rape fog is back!
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
