I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
