every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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