Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
