That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Barsexuality is the new black.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
