So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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