2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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