I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I supernannyed him into submission
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize