if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
