first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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