I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
