So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize