i already hear my dad disowning me
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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