My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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