he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
