her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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