Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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