So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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