I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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