laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
