this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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