seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
