gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
