How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
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