I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I am one with the molecules
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
