you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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