I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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