How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
