If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
