Already got asked if we're dating
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
