so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
