remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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