You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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