I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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