So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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