I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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