I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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