I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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