you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
