I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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